Broken

UUUURRRRRGGGG.....

2010-01-11T19:01:00.000-06:00

I would write, but I feel trapped by the ugliness of Blogger nonsense. Bla. What's in my brain is not Bla.
There are so many things I would like to learn or programs to purchase, but I am limited to

FEEDING MY FREAKING FAMILY

That sounded as aggressive as you thought it did. I've been sitting on this Mac for hours and I think I need to get up.

Just a side note (with equal aggression)...

MONEY is the root of all evil AND

I want more of it.

Strength in Failure

2009-08-24T20:03:00.004-05:00

I serve an unbelievably amazing creator. He causes the sun to rise and set. He makes the sky rumble and the waves to crash. He can conquer my enemies, my pretend friends, my thoughts, my struggles... in fact He loves me so much He gives me those struggles that I MUST depend on Him for every fresh breath of purity that I take.

He knows where I ache. He knows what brings me joy. He knows my gifts, my weaknesses- yet STILL lets me collapse in His arms everyday without any thought.

"Worthy is the Lamb who was slain- holy, holy is He. Sing a new song to Him who sits on heaven's mercy seat. Worthy is the Lamb who was slain- holy, holy is He. Sing a new song to Him who sits on heaven's mercy seat. Holy, holy, holy is the Lord God Almighty who was and is and is to come. With all creation I sing praise to the King of Kings, You are my everything and I will adore You."

Help me Lord. Help me Lord. I cry out to You alone for strength in my constant failure. Use me God! Strip me bare of pretense, of wounds...let me KNOW that no matter what my earthly rewards are- my eternal reward of YOU is why I start over every single day.

Things I don't want to hear:

2009-08-19T20:20:00.004-05:00

I hate you.

You disgust me.

Lord you're huge.

I can't stand being around you.

You are my regret everyday.

You're so lazy it's sick.

You didn't do it right, again.

Why keep breathing?

Just saying....who'd wanna hear that? Not me.

Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever.

Hebrews 13:8

Temporary

2009-08-15T14:36:00.002-05:00

Time

Perseverance

Weary

Desire

Thoughts

Quiet

Diligence

Satan

Discord

Surrender

Trapped

Lost

Escape

Eyes

Taste

Touch

Feel

Smell

Linger

Create

Laugh

Seek

Words

2009-08-02T15:56:00.006-05:00

I really like random observations. It help me let out what I take in with a simple process. BUT...recently on Facebook I discovered it's even easier to just post random words. I mean, ultimately, this blog is for me and no one else, so why put forth anymore effort than I feel like? If I know what I'm venting, that's what matters right? Don't take me wrong, I write this blog for you. But you are nobody, so it's all about me. (for the judgmentally inclined, I'm cracking up right now- I know it's not about me, it's about Jesus, everyone else...bla, bla).

Bottom line, here are my random words for the last few days. Don't ask. Don't judge.

1. Chubby

2. Butter

3. Dreams

4. Babies

5. Loyalty

6. Running

7. :))) (code for I'm in student ministry & don't wanna tick anybody off)

8. Conforming

9. Never

10. Abuse

11. Love

12. Football

13. Lost

14. Scared

15. Longing

16. Escape

17. Dreaming

18. Pain

19. Joy

20. Brother

21. Protect

22. Jesus

I love how all my random thoughts always unintentionally end with the only way out.

JESUS

Microscopes, Magnifiers & Letting Go

2009-07-30T16:02:00.011-05:00

I watch. I pay attention to detail. I record conversations in my mind. It's not intentional, but automatic. It has nothing to do with wanting to know your business. In fact, I can't stand knowing it because that just means more responsibility for me. More puzzle pieces to put together. More burdens to bear.

I am learning a lot about myself lately though, not just about other people. There is a key for me. A key element that I am drawn to in a person once I detect a certain quality.

Consistency

The trick in life for me...the challenge I must conquer daily....and feel accomplished when I do...is finding a common link with most everyone around me. If I can find something, no matter how remote, to genuinely relate too in a person, then I can learn to love and accept their shortcomings and quirks. This is true with strangers, difficult personalities, almost anyone.

However, there is something about observing consistency in a person over time, that makes me need no common ground. The respect and adoration I feel for someone who I regularly see consistency in, roots a deep thread of loyalty in me to that person. It's funny.

They can be consistently a jerk. Consistently a loser. But overall, there is great comfort for me in knowing that friend, boss, leader, family member, is the same with me as they are with everyone else- if they say something about me, they'll say it too my face first. It builds

Trust

It's rare that I actually ever meet someone like this. After living in 10 states, helping Chris plant 3 churches, one thing I KNOW... people are never consistent! Yea, I said never. I don't like absolutes like never, always...but it's true. Ultimately the God of the universe, Elohim, is the only one truly consistent for us. If I can find someone who for me is a smidgen close to it...my love is undying. They can mess up big, and I still feel connected to that need for a tangible consistency in my life that I will love and support. I daily watch people, leaders, followers say one thing and do another. Act one way to those under them and another way to those over them. Talk with disdain about a friend/co-worker/boss and treat them respectfully and kindly to their face. So what am I learning about how deeply I love?

That Abba has given me a gift. The gift of His unconditional love through observing consistency in the most unlikely people, giving me the peace I need for

Letting Go

Deep Breaths

2009-07-29T21:16:00.002-05:00

Psalm 19

¹ The heavens declare the glory of God;
And the firmament shows His handiwork.
² Day unto day utters speech,
And night unto night reveals knowledge.
³ There is no speech nor language
Where their voice is not heard.
⁴ Their line has gone out through all the earth,
And their words to the end of the world.

In them He has set a tabernacle for the sun,
⁵ Which is like a bridegroom coming out of his chamber,
And rejoices like a strong man to run its race.
⁶ Its rising is from one end of heaven,
And its circuit to the other end;
And there is nothing hidden from its heat.

⁷ The law of the LORD is perfect, converting the soul;
The testimony of the LORD is sure, making wise the simple;
⁸ The statutes of the LORD are right, rejoicing the heart;
The commandment of the LORD is pure, enlightening the eyes;
⁹ The fear of the LORD is clean, enduring forever;
The judgments of the LORD are true and righteous altogether.
¹⁰ More to be desired are they than gold,
Yea, than much fine gold;
Sweeter also than honey and the honeycomb.
¹¹ Moreover by them Your servant is warned,
And in keeping them there is great reward.

¹² Who can understand his errors?
Cleanse me from secret faults.
¹³ Keep back Your servant also from presumptuous sins;
Let them not have dominion over me.
Then I shall be blameless,
And I shall be innocent of great transgression.

¹⁴ Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart
Be acceptable in Your sight,
O LORD, my strength and my Redeemer.

Taking a Toll

2009-07-28T20:27:00.003-05:00

There is a fine line between transparency, choosing to give praise to God in all things (acknowledging His sovereignty) & deceiving those closest to you. I think it's why holding back is so difficult for me. I don't want to lie to you. The reality is God has created ME to be very real.

But:

He has created US ALL to thank Him in every circumstance...this is His will for us in Christ Jesus.

I am joyful, that is real. I am free, that is truth.

Someone else's truth and how it's affecting me...that's different. How can I take what God has allowed and make it an incredible testimony of glorifying Him and changing lives without being disrespectful or disobedient?

Wait? Surrender? Yield!

I fear God- being out of His will.

I question the sociopath, the insane perfectionist & control freak.

Do you feel like you have to control everything around you? The only thing I really want to control is my freedom in Christ. If you do, have you ever thought how that affects the people around you? Are you squashing them?

Abuse, addiction, rejection- these things are very real. When's the last time you stretched out an unpretentious, loving arm to someone who seems like they don't need it? Even students at camp surprised me. The ones who are really hurting. To take time and listen to their stories opened my heart to see what a brilliant plan God has for their life.

Yet:

We rarely take time to stop, listen & encourage.

Delight

2009-07-19T14:31:00.005-05:00

I think i'm ready to start writing again. I don't mean blogging. I mean writing. Like I used too. I think I fear my own failure sometimes. The fear of clearly getting out all the jumble in my mind and failing to express with the intensity - all I see.

I stopped because of this one chapter I can't write. At least not yet.

But, what if I start on something entirely different. I don't know what.

I do know:

What an amazing, adventurous God I have.

How deeply I love the people around me.

I'm afraid of that love God has given me, so I sass instead. :)

I am selfish.

I crave the unreached. The unloveable. The rejected.

I loathe pretentious & judgmental.

I don't fit into the box of bureaucracy.

I don't like the office game.

I'm tired.

I struggle with sin.

I want to be tangibly loved.

What is my dream? What are my gifts? What is your dream? What are your gifts?

I've been told how selfish I am for dreaming. So I died to those thoughts.

But, what if I'm created to glorify God through those dreams?

"Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart."

Psalm 37:4

I am His

2009-07-18T16:28:00.002-05:00

For I, Angelle, do not live for myself nor die for myself. If I live, I live to the Lord; If I die, I die to the Lord. So whether I live or die, I belong to the Lord. For this was the purpose of Christ's dying and coming to life- namely, that He might be Lord over me whether I am dead or living!

Romans 14:7-9 revised of course :)

A Synopsis of My Freaking Day

2009-07-14T18:01:00.003-05:00

Sitting here in my living room smelling the glazed chicken with fresh veggies in the oven. What to say?

1. Freaking was put in the title to subliminally get out my inner aggression.

2. I guess it's no longer subliminal.

3. I'm really not that aggressive.

4. I love waking up early to work out.

5. Too many meetings at work = one step forward, two steps back.

6. My cell phone is vibrating and I'm ignoring it.

7. Too many opinions in leadership = a two headed side show.

8. I observe way too much for how often I give my opinion.

9. I only like to give my opinion when asked.

10. No one ever asks my opinion.

11. I see the problem and I see the solution- God's funny like that.

12. The solution is no use if the people don't want to hear it.

13. Am I part of the problem or the solution?

14. Are you a part of the problem or the solution?

15. Linda has a sore throat.

16. Caleb beat me in a game of Rummy earlier.

17. Setting up someone or something for success is detrimental to an outcome.

18. I feel like I've been set up for failure.

19. How I respond to the detrimental outcome of that failure, could be my success.

20. I just didn't want to leave 19...that's weird.

My Rock

2009-07-06T20:38:00.002-05:00

Contemplating the intensity of God's faithfulness. He is The Almighty. The Beginning and The End.

WOW!

To think God-fearing leaders in any position of any kind, anywhere could ever possibly be overcome by arrogance to the point they begin to condescend the little people around them...is beyond my understanding.

I am by no means above pride and arrogance. In fact, I struggle daily with a remote idea that i am in some way superior to someone- could be anyone, around me.

I mean, it's human nature.

But, to be placed in a God appointed position of authority and walk unassumingly with an inability to respect the other's surrounding you while continuing on in jolly demand, is...well...

disappointing

exhausting

humiliating

hurtful

typical

trapping

deflating

Making it SO much easier to say--

MY GOD IS AN AWESOME GOD!

"He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will never be shaken."

Psalm 62:2

Random Again

2009-06-05T23:03:00.004-05:00

1. Heith sang one of my favorite worship songs at Tammy's memorial.

2. There will be a day...no more tears, no more pain.

3. George is my new best friend, he doesn't sass me.

4. I'm watching Cops while I type this.

5. Drunk people on Cops like to undress.

6. I'm so ready for that day I get to go Home-it aches.

7. Justin & Kevin like wiener dogs and cockatoo's.

8. I worked out so hard to today, it felt good.

9. I don't need any more oysters or avocado's in my diet.

10. George is a puppet.

11. I really wanted to run away with Bob when I saw his top off.

12. I want so much to live righteously and bear good fruit.

13. Bob is a jeep. He wants me to drive him to the beach while topless.

14. The jeep topless, not me.

15. My favorite book in the Bible is James.

16. It doesn't seem that I'll ever be quite good enough for anything. I always seem to fall short.

17. I'd like to believe people look at the intentions of the heart, but it doesn't seem to matter.

18. Chalan has a nice country voice.

19. When I'm dead, will others say my life glorified God?

20. Old people drive too slow.

This & That

2009-06-04T18:11:00.003-05:00

Had a productive day at work today and now I should be cleaning and doing laundry, but I just want to relax. I'm still finding it difficult to balance my job and keeping up the home as well as I used too before I went back to work. It would be nice to have a little help, but I don't want to nag. That's way more exhausting than just doing it myself.

Tammy died this week. It's hard to know what to say to her family and friends. If I could've taken her place, I would have. But nobody wants to hear that.

Something I've been thinking about today...

"Faith comes by hearing, and hearing by the word of God."

Romans 10:17

This faith I need Lord, to press on comes only by You. This faith (belief in You and Your sovereign ways unto death) comes by listening. Hearing the Word of God, and listening when hearing. To listen with my heart, mind, soul; being single-minded (asking in faith, knowing I will obey no matter the direction, not double-minded by following my own way after hearing; James 1:16) And with that single-mindedness, walking obediently in Your ways. The ways I learn from "hearing" the Word of God...Faith.

What does faith mean to you?

Reality

2009-06-01T20:00:00.018-05:00

I want to write.

BUT...

What I want to say, I can't.

Why can't I?

Well...

One thing is personal and effects someone close to me. So, out of respect, I don't share. Even though it's a huge part of my testimony and has broken me into many pieces over the years. I guess you could say, I've been writing the story of my life and I can't finish the last, climactic, chapter.

Another thing is stupid, petty, but retarded enough it makes me want to write about it to clear my mind. However, my transparent nature lends me to believe that I would say too much. Resulting in offending others who are too shallow to get it (that alone was probably offensive). Possibly affecting my job and my favor with God and man.

The third -well- is something I'm struggling with. A temptation I guess. I think God allows all of us to struggle with sin in one way or another, whether Christians want to admit it or not. I'm overcoming it or I want to overcome it. It think my Abba hurts for me and doesn't condemn me, He knows why I'm struggling...He's allowed those circumstances as well.

"Though He slay me, yet I will trust Him. Even so I will defend my own ways before Him" Job 13:15

The result...

I can't sleep. :)

AND

I'm thankful I have a sovereign God who bears all of my burdens...even if I can't always know it.

Every Day is Different in the Mundane

2009-05-26T19:56:00.005-05:00

So, today was a fairly uneventful day. I showered and went to work while my boys slept in on their first official day of summer. Work was typical. It's becoming more typical each week it seems. I LOVE my job, but like anything in life-there are glitches. Drama, gossip, ego...all full circle back to the foot of the cross where everyone wants to be. That's the focus :) the cross-at least it's where everyone WANTS to be, even if they're having a difficult time getting there! Of course, that includes me. Actually, I'm probably the front runner. Yes, I'm a sinner.

WHAT? You're shocked? I know, right? I'm a freaking (I said I wouldn't say that anymore) sinner. I long to do what's right, yet I fall short. I'm selfish, rude, I don't really care what anyone thinks-to an extreme that I must be overly aware. I desire things I shouldn't. What else?

So. Bla, bla,bla.

We went bowling after work with the boys and a big crew from student ministry. Those kids probably bless me the most ironically. The irony being that they are least respected among any church demographic. They are so honest and carefree. They will tell you if you stink, or if you're dressed corny, or need to lose a few pounds. And then they still love you! Awesome. You really don't have to prove yourself to a teen, as long as you are faithful and honest right back.

Now I'm home. Dinner is done-leftovers are great on long days. Watching House as I type and listening to Chris in my left ear tell me about a guy named George who used to get furious and violent at a nursing home he worked at. George hated bed time. The entire nursing staff dreaded putting Alzheimer patient George to bed. So Chris decided instead of fighting him, he would sit and talk with George for about five minutes-really connect with him, every night. Then Chris would yawn and whisper to George it was time for them to go to sleep and George would willingly hug Chris and climb into bed. I have no idea why Chris is telling me this or remembering it after all of these years.

I guess George made an impression. Don't give up on difficult people.

So Hard-

2009-05-23T12:52:00.000-05:00

I'm trying.

Today

2009-05-17T13:58:00.006-05:00

"See to it, brothers, that none of you has a sinful, unbelieving heart that turns away from the living God. But encourage one another daily, as long as it is called today, so that none of you may be hardened by sin's deceitfulness. We have come to share in Christ if we hold firmly till the end the confidence we had at first. As has just been said: "Today, if you hear his voice, do not harden your hearts as you did in the rebellion." Hebrews 3:12-15

What sticks out most to me in this passage is the BUT. But encourage one another daily, as long as it is called today, so that none of you may be hardened by sin's deceitfulness. I once heard someone say that when you add the word but to a thought or a sentence, it wipes away everything you said just before. In this case, if you read it carefully, I think the but wiping (ok that's gross) is necessary; liberating.

We are warned not to turn away from The Living God because of the trap of sin. By having others who are encouraging us daily or better yet- by us encouraging others daily- the potential for that trap is gone. Ok, maybe not entirely. Wait a second, think back to a time when you were struggling with the deceitfulness of sin. How much easier was it to trust God and turn from the temptation on the days you were encouraged from a brother or sister in Christ...a friend who slipped you a verse, took time to listen or pray. I know for me, those are the days that when my head hits the pillow at night, I realize I haven't even thought of my struggle all day.

"as long as it's called TODAY". Today. Today.

Let's put someone else first today and see if it keeps them "holding firmly to the end the confidence they had at first"

Even if it's not until eternity that we see the result.

I wonder if I can do that.

I'm not the best at encouraging.

Hebrews 13:6

2009-05-08T09:43:00.003-05:00

I haven't blogged in awhile and there's so much in my brain/heart (is there really a difference?) to sift. Nonsense or reality. Maybe nonsense is my reality. I'm already making no sense. I guess what I really want to say, I can't. My deepest thoughts. Desires. Scars. Gifts.

Random is so much freaking easier and if you are able to decipher through any of my aimless rubbish, well...that's what makes you my Proverbs 18:24.

1. According to Toyia & Melissa, Cleveland is a completely different place than I thought it was.

2. I take apart what people say and do in certain situations, until there's nothing left.

3. Double-mindedness in people who you think are supporting you is more common than you realize.

4. Josiah has a crush.

5. There is one thing on my mind often lately.

6. I don't know why. But it won't go away.

7. On the North side of town, the junk in my trunk is appreciated.

8. I want to donate my junk to the Goodwill.

9. I love to run & sweat.

10. Eating great food is like...

11. Brush by's are becoming more common.

12. Self-control comes natural except when you don't want to control yourself.

13. I'm pretty sure I know one person who can see through me. At least it feels that way.

14. That makes me nervous.

15. It takes a lot to make me nervous.

16. I am transparent, but see through is entirely different.

17. God is my rock, my refuge, my redeemer, my husband, my companion.

18. I wish I could touch Him.

19. He wishes I could feel what I desire and knows it will be that way for me eternally if not earthly.

20. Lost is a bad A tv show.

21. I do have an attitude when it's difficult for me to use self-control.

22. Putting up a wall is easier than keeping in what I want to let out, but can't.

23. YES- I said bad A in #20. I meant it.

24. Pastor Mike keeps smiling & telling me he knows I like the black eyed peas.

25. I don't understand.

26. I miss snow skiing.

27. I wish I could lay my head on your shoulder sometimes.

What If

2009-04-12T20:32:00.003-05:00

" One can give without loving, but one cannot love without giving" Amy Carmichael

I came across this quote today by Amy, who is one of my favorite bond servants and couldn't help get stuck on it. It's an awesome thing to see the natural process that happens when simply loving. That seems like an oxymoron...simply loving. I guess it's not so simple, because we choose to make loving others difficult, especially the difficult to love.

BUT, what if we abide in Christ, deeply root ourselves in Him and just let go of all the other junk.

What if we let His love permeate through us because we truly get how much He loves us regardless of our mess.

What if then, loving others just became an overflow of the joy of comprehending that truth.

Would giving...giving of our time, heart, self, money, possessions, life....just become an outpouring of offering.

What then would the church look like to the world?

#26. I could really use a few pounds of crawfish right now. Head suckin & all.

2009-03-23T18:25:00.006-05:00

It was kind of a long day today, but I love my job so the long days are worth it. I have some pinned up energy right now. That can really exhaust a girl. I'm getting ready for a run, however I needed to clear my brain just a tad for some motivation.

I think my random observations from the day is the easiest way to get out what's in

SO...here we go again, BUT let's make it the entire weekend of randomness from my head:

1. Kevin wants to roll in a box of smarties and fireballs (possibly naked)

2. I am proud of my diligent boys

3. Girls almost beat Boys in bowling on Sat. I choked

4. Jonathon wants a Booty Venue

6. I'll probably be convicted and erase #5 in a day or two

7. Learned that Chalan sings country music

8. I don't like country music

9. Still fat- As I ran, two mexican peeps made crude comments at me, while disgusted-I did entertain the thought of shaking their hands (not really) (but I did smile) (after I flipped them off with my eyes)

10. Lyndale & Julie's T.V. is broken

11. Naked strips at Buffalo Wild Wings are pretty good smothered in Jerk sauce

12. I have said naked twice in this post

13. Naked is sometimes good

14. Lyndale rocked the sermon on not keeping God in a box-changing what's in your box

15. My box has invisible boundaries

16. Julie doesn't like the jeep doors off

17. I don't understand

18. I CAN run when I set my mind to it

19. Josiah is taller than me

20. I have extraordinary love, appreciation & protectiveness for a friend who's not really a friend. I don't know why.

21. When people talk negative about my friend I do not like it

22. This is a long list

23. I ALMOST taught Chris a lesson playing Madden 09 with him, next time.

24. Not having a phone is pretty peaceful

25. I want to go back to Hawaii

I Think My Brain Has Issues

2009-03-16T17:30:00.008-05:00

It's been a long couple of weeks and I'm finally hitting my wall of laziness. Once I hit it, It's incredibly satisfying. My wall is above if you were wondering.

I wonder why is satisfaction so satisfying?

It feels good.

It looks good.

It's stimulating.

It can be an escape.

It can open you to reality.

It leaves you with an impression.

It stirs endorphins.

The Webster 1828 dictionary defines satisfaction as:

That state of the mind which results from the full gratification of desire; The act of pleasing or gratifying.

If I could be a little girl in her daddy's lap again I might wish for the ability to have a never ending state of mind which results from the full gratification of desire....

" The fear of the LORD leads to life, And he who has it will abide in SATISFACTION; He will not be visited with evil."

Proverbs 19:23

I may not be a little girl anymore, but If I fear the LORD my Abba promises that I will be sustained and endure (abide) with satisfaction.

That's cool.

I have no earthly idea how my brain went from lazy to LOST to pleasure & desire.

Scattered Thought's

2009-03-14T12:12:00.003-05:00

It's not often that I cry, once or twice a year and it usually comes for no apparent reason. Right now, it just won't stop coming; even as I type. I want so much to glorify God in my life. I don't care what you think, or money or reward. My life in service to my Jesus is my gift. I don't say that in vain, if I do...I'm unaware and ask to be humbled Lord. So, why do I sometimes desire for Him to 'take my cup', and why is it hard to communicate that to others face to face? I am grateful, blessed beyond measure with a joy that overwhelms. Why do others so me as a complainer? I know I'm a spoiled brat, a daddy's girl. I realize God has been stripping and breaking me of that for awhile (fifteen and a half years to be exact). He will be doing that work in me until I die.

I still can't stop crying, this is weird.

I want to meet with Jesus every moment and pass that to others. I'm willing to do ANYTHING to accomplish that dream. My cup is a cup I'm willing to drink from, gunk and all. I'm weary though. Very weary.

He strengthens me, restores me-through my job, my friends, strangers, jerks. All except one area, which of course is a thing I'll never be able to speak about...which I guess is what makes my cup so bitter sometimes. And even in that area, I know that this bitterness is sweet, because it is STILL His provision of blessing in my life, disguised as hardship. It hurts. I can't lie.

I'm rambling and crying now. I hope Mac's can hold tears well. :)

I've always been a kook, but I think I've learned to cope with the plastic nature of some Christians by steering away from the real stuff they will be bugged by and only showing one side of myself. The kook. I guess it's easier.

Abba, grow me, mold me, break me, make me, use me. Until there's none of me left.

MY DAY

2009-03-09T19:19:00.004-05:00

I don't really have anything to say, I just feel like typing. So, what's up? I wonder who I'm talking to. Nah, I don't really care who I'm talking to. Hmmmm, how about this:

Random observations from my day-

1. Menopausal women are very moody and slightly more difficult to deal with.

2. I am thankful I'm not menopausal.

3. Fresh salad without dressing is still pretty good.

4. Controlling people get hung up on the small stuff and then others get hung up on them.

5. Drinking a lot of water makes me go potty a lot.

6. Sitting in my desk too long causes my back to hurt.

7. God has given me an unexplainable & endearing love for certain people in my life.

8. It's hard to use self-control & not to show it- that's weird.

9. I'm weird.

10. Heith is weirder.

11. Lyndale's ankle's crack when he walks.

12. A miracle happened-Chris made my breakfast & lunch for me.

13. First thing he said when I arrived home-(guess I should delete this).

14. Jesus is my everything.

YES. It's Backward's

2009-03-02T20:27:00.004-06:00

O.K. now that I've covered the obvious, let's talk about my new yummy book-Killing Cockroaches. Almost half way done and enjoying it more than I thought I would.

Tony's sarcasm is almost up there with mine :) which puts a light flare on some serious issues. He's got good points about web sites, blogs and such, but he also has a heart for the unchurched and delivering truth that I share and respect. It's definitely nice to hear a leader who not only speaks The Truth, but is willing to talk truth about the small things that surround us daily- tidbits which usually turn to big monsters if left untouched. Clarification, attitude...I'm big on dealing with 'roaches' crawling near me. Right now I'm not a leader by position, besides the 'duh' with my kids and the girls in student ministry I work with. The present time in my life I'm feeling the freedom and joy that accompanies supporting the awesome leader's around me (even if not so awesome). The nice thing is, at work, I get to be the complete weirdo that God made me without feeling the burden of-well, The Burden. On the other hand, I have so much more inside of me...so much.

If you're looking for an interesting and easy read, this is a good choice. If you don't want to be creative, make a difference, hear some rational truth or laugh a little...then pick another book.

Woo Hoo

2009-02-28T10:43:00.003-06:00

I'm starting Keicho-Do again next week. It's been over a year since I fractured an already old broken ankle and way past my due time to get back into the game! I've been avoiding the dread of the initial weeks into it as Micah always has a point to prove to those who have been out, getting fat and lazy. His point is usually...I don't care if you're about to die in class, trust God and keep going. Definitely what I need right now I guess.

Micah and Emilie do not charge our family for karate, knowing as friends, that we wouldn't be able to keep up with the cost and I feel indebted to them. They lose a few hundred dollars a month from us, and never expect anything in return. A great picture of God's grace and mercy. The boys will be testing for their black belts next and recently added jiu jitsu to their routine. Cool to see them dedicated and growing in the Lord through their sport at the same time.

Cajun Karate

Search Me

2009-02-27T11:31:00.009-06:00

I'm loving the beautiful weather lately. It's a great time of year to explore outside with some nice walks. I had been running, but I decided to take a step back and do a bit of walking everyday until I can swim again. I don't get the adrenaline going like I get from a run, but I am enjoying the quiet time. It's funny to see all of the details in my neighborhood I miss when driving by.

This morning I thought a lot about what Kevin taught on Wednesday night at The Bayou. Reconciliation, passion...he did a great job. Everything he said seemed to trigger a memory in my mind about things God is already doing in my life; things He has done in my life, but like a stubborn mule-I forget.

My stubbornness has had me thinking a lot lately! Chris said something the other day in front of a group of people, he was talking to a teen considering college..."Sounds good man. Just remember, whatever you do,don't get married! Don't have kids. Don't let your dream die." A few people laughed uncomfortably then one girl asked what I was going to do about it. Nothing I thought, why beat a dead horse?

But, over the last couple of mornings and evenings while I've walked I have asked the Lord to:

"Search me, O God, and know my heart: try me, and know my thoughts: And see if there be any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting" (Psalms 139:23,24)

My stubbornness must be difficult to live with, my passion and over analytical mind irritating for my spouse, so how do I change what God created? How do I take the things that I hear my pastor's speak on, the things God works in my life, apply them and yet conform to another man's dream, life and personality--in order that he might be more fulfilled?

Faith, Moments and life.

2009-02-22T16:50:00.014-06:00

Sometimes I want to write, but I have so much to say that it feels almost exhausting to organize my thoughts.

Sunday at The Bayou, Lyndale posed the question, Does MY faith really matter? Do I choose not to speak and let others be won over with my life or do I share my story? Something I wrestle with daily and in some since have given up on. I used to always share my story. Now, I'm overly aware of the fact that my story is mine...self-centered. I'm haunted with the words of St. Francis of Assisi, "Preach the gospel at all cost, and if necessary use words". What if each moment of my life is not so clear?

There is balance in everything, I get that. I just can't help but be overwhelmed at times with this desire to give to others what my Father has given to me. I want to share what He has done in my life. Some things I'll never be able to share...internal breaking of my strong will, using those closest to me. Most things are miracles, God's provision in ways that seem foreign to others. I've spent the last couple of years in my life trying desperately to keep my mouth shut. Love the people surrounding me--those who are now experiencing out of Christ what I have felt in Christ. Homelessness, loss, rejection... love them with meeting their need, simple as that.

I do believe there is a time for me to speak again. I just don't know how, where or when. Waiting and seeking can be taxing; fulfilling, but taxing. Ya know? Lyndale prayed at the end of worship and just then I remembered a man from awhile back that was speeding recklessly down S. Pinhook. I could see him in my mirror coming up behind me swerving. He ran us off the road, and I felt my blood begin to boil. I gained composure and got back onto the road. A second later, I realized we were pulling up to a red light and he was in his truck right next to me. He rolled down his window and started to yell belligerently. My first thought was to call 911, but I nervously stopped. I couldn't understand what he was yelling, I just knew he was furious. He got out of his truck and walked over to us, I started to shake a bit but felt this sweet small voice tell me to trust in the Lord, be kind and be patient. I wanted to protect the boys, I wanted to hurt him, I wanted to run the red light. BUT I just sat there. He was sarcastically screaming through my open car window for us to write down his license plate # for the police. I (the Holy Spirit in me, definitely NOT me!) calmly said to him "I'm sorry you've had a bad day, can I pray for you?" He quit yelling and looked at me like I was nuts. Then...he started to cry and said that he was really sorry, he had just gotten home from work and discovered that his wife had left him and had taken all of their belongings with her. We prayed, in the middle of the road stopped at a lingering red light. He thanked me with utmost humility and as he drove away, I noticed a bumper sticker on the back windshield of his truck which said, "God answers prayer". The boys and I pulled over at the nearest gas station where we prayed again and talked about faith, trust and little moments in life that can change something or someone forever. Josiah and Caleb have never forgotten that God day...neither have I.

We understand the importance of putting our faith to action, but how huge of a difference would be made if every single time I had an opportunity...I chose to act instead of re-act. This is what's burning inside of me. I just want everything in life to fade away so I can see every chance for a God moment. This is when my faith really matters! Because it's life all around me that NEVER fades.

I guess that's where my heart and mind come together in one agreement...I can't wait for eternity.

CAN'T WAIT

My Camp Girls

2009-02-21T13:22:00.002-06:00

I'm ready for camp again!

My Tree

2009-02-21T12:16:00.003-06:00

This sucker is outside in our yard. Isn't it magnificent? How can anyone not believe there is a God?

Now That's What I'm Talkin About

2009-02-19T22:41:00.010-06:00

So...I didn't get to chase or be chased by an ox, but I did get to ride crazy on some nice four wheelers. In the dark. Next to a large pond I didn't know existed until almost too late. Makes me seriously miss snow skiing. Hmmm...four wheeling, snow skiing; I think the wind in my face and hair must be the common link, but I'm not sure on that one. It was definitely a great evening with a bowl of yummy gumbo and a few friends. The drama I experienced to get there could have been avoided and caused a little stress for the boys (nothing like a husband with severe arthritis who demands to primp like a princess for an hour before he goes out), but it was worth it (don't tell Chris). Good to have our Thursday family night out at a friends for a change.

"I will show the holiness of my great name, which has been profaned among the nations, the name you have profaned among them. Then the nations will know that I am the LORD, declares the Sovereign LORD, when I show myself holy through you before their eyes."

Ezekiel 36:23

What an amazing God that I could profane His name, sin in my own selfishness, and still YHWH...Elohim...could and would choose me to show Himself holy through. I guess my failure to be faithful and consistent could be why His glory is so obvious when shown in this very weak vessel.

Empty

2009-02-18T21:23:00.002-06:00

My brain is empty and I am bored. It's been a long day, I'm pooped, but I'm still bored. What I really want is to do something different right now like...chase an ox. Then my brain would not be empty. Or better yet...be chased by an ox. Now that would fill my head with funness. OK, this is pathetic, I know. My dog won't stop staring at me. It's weird. Maybe she know's I'm blogging about ox's and she wants in on the action.

Veritas

2009-02-15T13:36:00.005-06:00

This morning at The Bayou I thought a lot about truth. I thrive on truth. Probably to a point that is not normal. Then again, what's normal?

I listened to Pastor Mike talk about sex while my mind ran wild thinking about the truth of my transparency. My struggles and desires, longings and passions. God made me to not care what others think...this makes me not care about sharing what He is doing in my life, no matter what. However, when I know that something God is doing in my life has the potential to stumble another, or cause discord and destruction; then I will not be open or transparent about that thing until the Lord gives me the go ahead.

The good thing about this is the faithful Creator works in me and through me to mold and make me more like Him as I go against my nature and depend on Him to resolve what He is allowing in my Life. The bad thing about this is I start to feel crazy! I feel like Jeremiah when he says in chapter 20:

"His word was in my heart like a burning fire shut up in my bones; I was weary of holding it back, and I could not"

Weary, on fire, heavy hearted. It's a difficult place to remain. Which brings me to the second part of my morning at The Bayou, the Middle School room with Justin speaking on the truth of God's active word. Instead of sneaking out to finish my work, I stayed. The Lord reminded me of the power in His living word; although He allows me to struggle at times in my life and I may have to keep my mouth shut...His word is always there to cut straight through the intentions of the heart (Heb.4:12) and His Spirit is always there to bring me comfort (Jn.14:16).

I was once again reminded to press in, press on, move forward through the sludge and be thankful every moment that I am a dirty rotten sinner and He loves me just the way that I am. The very fact the I am aware of the sin taunting me and desire to strip myself bare of any association with it...brings a humbling that I need and deserve. That humbling brings me closer to my Savior right where He wants me to be. A lonely road sometimes...especially when you crave the tangible.

I Really Don't

2009-02-14T13:59:00.002-06:00

I still don't understand.

Blog Schmog

2009-02-14T13:44:00.003-06:00

OK...so I've been putting this off for a long time. I created this blog awhile ago with the purpose of posting SOME of my thoughts from another anonymous blog I have. BUT, the other blog I write on is so much stinkin easier to figure out then Blogger. It's dummy proof. Well, I'm going to tackle it again so can anyone give me tips on how to add junk I want to my blog. And, don't ask about my anonymous blog or I will destroy you. (not really). (but seriously). Those of you who reallyyyyy know me probably figure I need a place to write ALL the things God is doing in my life, without fear of reprecussion, judgement or even self-gratification of God's glory.